Reason I Love Tyler #4

Tyler Wants Me to Have Everything I Need and Want

When last you heard, Tyler was helping me buy a car. (Or rather, us a car, but its primary use will be for me.) He succeeded in locking down a 2013 MINI Cooper S—electric blue. The hitch? It was in Seattle. See, there are only three MINI dealers in this chunk of the country and they are all on the coast. So, we had to drive to Seattle (aprox. 300 miles) to sign the final papers and bring the car home (aprox. another 300 miles). We did it all in one day. One long, action packed day.

Behold, Marge.

I love Marge. She is the perfect car for me. I love her size and her speed. I love her working radio and AC and cruise control. In the winter, I will love her heated seats. She is exactly what I expected in the best way possible. (My first spin with Marge was actually the first time I ever drove a MINI.) Yes, I suppose there were less expensive used, certified cars in the area, and I would have been content and never uttered a word of complaint, but I wouldn't have been happy.

Tyler understood this when I didn't, which is why he worked so hard to get me my Dream Car. If one wants something badly enough, and it is within reason, why shouldn't that person have it? I've been mulling that one over quite a bit.

Yesterday, after showing Marge off to my parents (who were thrilled, of course), my mom said about Tyler, "He's going to spoil you."

True. If Tyler making sure I have everything I want--which I try to keep reasonable--means I'm spoiled, well, then I'm spoiled.

But onward, ho! Last night Tyler and I had a conversation about our future. Confession time: I have a student loan that I haven't paid a cent towards in two or three years. My parents also have student loans for me under their name. And, until, last week, they were also paying my car insurance. I have felt guilty for not being financially stable (or responsible) enough to help with these expenses and debts, but not guilty enough to do anything about it—i.e. try to find a better job or take on another one. On top of that, my mother has medical issues that require her to take medicine (the not cheap kind) every six weeks to stay healthy.

Tyler is privy to all of this and wants to help when, one day, our savings is built up. As he sees it, my problems are his problems now. My happiness—which happens to be related to my parents' comfort and health—is a priority for him. He takes care of all my needs and wants, from my bitchin' MINI to making sure we get FXX so I can have Every. Simpsons. Ever. on down to the Toasted Cheez-Its that I am addicted to.

I am incredibly humbled by how much Tyler loves me, by how much he is willing to take on for me. It renders me speechless, like last night when the only thing I could do in response to this conversation was to let tears stream down my face, and wordless, like in the case of this blog.

So I will say THANK YOU, again and again, until I'm blue in the face. THANK YOU, Tyler, for loving me this much. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

Reason I Love Tyler #13

Tyler is Helping Me Buy a Car

I don't even know where to begin with this.

My first car was a gift from my grandparents. They were upgrading. They thought a 1986 Chrysler LeBaron would be better off in the hands of their granddaughter than in those of a used car salesman, I suppose. That car had a lot of miles on it to begin with so it didn't last long. Unfortunately, I was commuting 35 miles to and back from work everyday at the time. I needed a car, so luckily there was a 1990 Buick LeSabre for sale by a very old man in my hometown. My dad bought it for me because I had looked and looked for a job for several months and I finally got one and he didn't want me to lose it--and therefore continue indefinitely living in his basement--just because I couldn't make it to work.

And I'm spoiled.

I must confess that I've pretty much never had to do anything for myself. My dad crippled, for lack of a better word, me in this respect because he liked making decisions for me and I got very, very used to that. Mostly, I went along with it, because what did I--a child, a teenager--know? Even if I disagreed--like with college--I was put in my place as the child who didn't know any better. ("You need a B.A.! Diane Sawyer says you need a B.A.! You must have a B.A.")

And because of that, I'm pretty much helpless. I could point fingers as to why--first, my parents have made everything a little too easy for me. Then my high school that didn't offer any sort of "life skills" classes on how to make a budget or write a check. But mostly, I have myself to blame because once I reached adulthood, I could have very well researched how to be an adult. But I didn't. It was easier to eat Pizza Rolls and watch Drunk History. I was getting by. Surviving, not thriving and all that. I made sure my rent was paid. I had enough money for the crappy, poisonous food I chose to eat. I went to work when I was supposed to. But I had no savings. I had no plans for the future. What future?

Well, there wasn't one until Tyler. I shudder to think how I might have gone on if I had never met him. That is a horror movie. But dwelling on that is not why we're here. Tyler is my present and future. And in the future, with or without him, my 1990 Buick LeSabre wasn't going to last forever. Eventually, that car would have died. And then what? Well, if I were still on my own,  I would have called my daddy for, at the very least, advice on how to go about getting a new one. At that point, he would have started looking for a sensible, but above all cheap used car. He would have had me pay for part of it, but he (probably) would have chipped in. Because, after all, I didn't have anyone else to help me and I am his darling little girl.

But let's look at the reality. My car is slowly dying. After a check-up at the mechanic, it looks like $800 to keep my P.O.S. 26 year old car going. Not worth it. So a newer car is ideal. A newer car that is reliable. A newer car that I actually like.

Look, I am going to use this blog to make the following statement: I have never been a "car girl". As long as it runs properly and the radio and heater work, I don't care. I would rather have a car that functions in these ways (btw, my Chrysler's radio didn't work, but I made due) than anything else, above all. That being said, I have an affinity for Mini Coopers. They are cute. They are British. They are cool. They are small. The hoods are small. I am short. I will be able to look both ways without pulling all the way out into the intersection. Function! It is my dream car. I have made this fact known to Tyler with the plan that one day? I would really, really like to have a Mini. You know, if it's possible.

One day. It didn't have to be today. Or next year. Or in the next decade. Just someday it would be nice. Maybe. But, like I said, I ain't a car girl, so my quality of life would not go down if I never had a Mini. I already have everything I want. A working car is a necessity. A specific working car is an afterthought.

However, my need for a new car was coming. Tyler and I both hoped it would be later rather than sooner. But here we are. My lovely Buick is having trouble starting. Luckily, I only live a few blocks from work, but I don't cotton too well to walking in the dark. I've been making it work while Tyler has been working hard--very hard--to find me the car of my dreams. As soon as I told him my car was shit, he started looking into Minis. NOTE: I did not start looking into anything. I was just going to walk until...whenever. I was not proactive. I am not a proactive person to begin with. I am, actually, a procrastinator. I will get something done, just later, when I want to, when I have given it enough thought.

Tyler took charge. He looked up all the Minis in a close proximity--not really very close--made sure they were certified, had the proper warranties available, had proper mileage. He did this because he either A) wanted to and B) knew I wouldn't do it on my own. Both. Probably more B than A. He knows me very well. All my faults.

I am grateful that he took charge because this morning we put a deposit down on a 2013 Mini that I (hopefully) will soon be driving. He did all the research. He did all the communication. He did all the haggling.

I didn't say "thank you" to Tyler this morning. I confess to be lost in my own hormonal head. I was planning what I was going to write here, thinking that would be the grander gesture. (Wrong. Never underestimate the power of a simple Thank You.) And this whole thing is very overwhelming for me. I'm actually going to have a nice car. That I feel I don't deserve, partially because I don't need it. WANT. NEED. DESERVE. I'm so mixed up about those words. Do I deserve a Mini just because I want one? I would say no, because I didn't work for it. Do I deserve a car because I need to get to work? Yes. But it would be impossible for me to afford it without the financial support of another person. I'm still working on getting over that. I resigned myself to a life of second best, of good enough. I am digging myself out of that hole as I type this. It is an ever evolving work in progress.

Why shouldn't I get what I want? What makes me think I don't deserve what I want? The fact that I was spoiled, I suppose. The fact that I've had everything handed to me...like college and cars. The practical side of me knows the following: I know shit about what it takes to buy a car. Tyler has the knowledge and skills and moxie to do so. Given that he's with me and that he cares about me and he doesn't want me walking in the dark, it makes sense that he go all Superman and find me the best car possible as soon as possible. And that's what happened.

On the other hand, I lose out on gaining certain skills. I have no idea on how to do this for myself, because like my father, Tyler has taken charge for me. (And believe me, my mom has also done this for me.) There has always been someone to take care of me. I have never had the chance to stand on my own as a fully functioning person, because I wasn't close to fully functioning person until I met Tyler. Would I want Tyler out of my life just so I could be a fully independent woman? Hell no. That is too high of a price to pay. However, do I sort of feel like a little child in this whole thing? Yes. But since I am going to work five days a week and not sitting at home on my fanny, that money is going somewhere--in my mind, to my new car, so I am not entirely dependent. I am contributing.

There's an old saying that goes "Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and feed him for a lifetime."

No one has bothered to teach me to fish. And admittedly, I have not bothered to ask to learn. I've been enjoying my free fish. It seems to me that my dad and Tyler like giving me fish. Or they think me incapable of fishing. Or they think I can't learn fast enough and that I'll starve to death. Either way, neither has insisted I learn. Neither has explained the principles and pushed me out into the lake with a pole and hook. 

So yeah. I feel kinda shitty about that. I could do better. I could insist on doing it on my own. Maybe say "Stop giving me these fucking fish and show me how to cast a fucking line!" But I don't want to take away anyone's joy. My father loves it, I know. Tyler...I think it's wearing on him. I don't know. I hope he would say "I know you don't know what to do. Here's how to be more involved." (Like when he asked me to compile all the info for my credit report. I did that without his urging, btw.) I hurt for him. I want to take part of the burden. But I can't communicate that properly. Or didn't do so until now. Too late. Believe me, I would be happy to concede to "What do you know?" and have someone do it for me, but at least I would have tried to be involved. At least I wouldn't have been so damn passive. But this is the way that it has always gone.

So, Reason I Love Tyler #13 isn't all about him helping me get a car; it's about him helping me be an adult. Helping me be aware of where my money is at all times, helping me put it towards important things, helping me plan for our future. It's about him making me want to do better.  This car thing happened very fast. And if I had any superpower available to me, it would be to freeze time. Then I would be able to sit down and think and realize how important it was for me to be more involved in this process and why. I hate feeling indebted. I hate even having to say "thank you". I would rather have put in the work myself and then do a mutual high-five after asking for a lot of advice. The only thing I've managed to do so far is have good/okay credit and even that is due to inactivity. Yay.

Everyday is a learning experience. Everyday can teach you how to do better the next time. So next time when there is a Big Deal involved, I will insist on being more involved. And if I don't know how to be involved, I will insist on learning how to be more involved. I don't want to be the "little woman", really. But I've never been expected to be anything more. My submissiveness has been accepted and not questioned or challenged. It's time for ME to question it.

So to conclude. Tyler, thank you for helping me get this car. Thank you for all the research. Thank you for all the communicating with the dealers. Thank you for the emails and phone calls. Thank you for budgeting so I could get my dream car sooner than I ever thought possible. Thank you for taking all the stress. I wish that I could have taken some of it from you. I wish that I was/you thought I was capable to take on that stress. Give me the stress. Give me 20 minutes to process it. I can do it. I just need 20 minutes which I don't think is too much to ask unless there is no time to spare. I am very, very sorry if I came off as ungrateful. That was not my intention. I was quite overwhelmed. I hadn't yet processed everything and I process best when I have alone time. That does not excuse offering a simple "Thank You".

THANK YOU

I know better. I apologize for being insensitive and not just offering up these simple words. I was so grateful, that I was basically left speechless. I wanted to save it for this. Tyler, I hope you have a better insight as to why I was seemed so ungrateful. I was very overwhelmed this morning. You and I process everything differently. For me, it takes being alone. I needed everything to fully seep in, without distraction.

And I want to say

THANK YOU

for more than just the car. It is for everything. It is for getting me to this place of self awareness. It is for forgiving me of my annoying faults. It is for loving me unconditionally.

Reason I Love Tyler #34

Tyler is very generous with the remote control.

Growing up, there were three people in my house--Mom, Dad, and me--and yet, we had four TVs. One in each bedroom, one in the basement, and one in the kitchen. At any given moment, at least three of those TVs were on, most likely recording something to be watched later or creating a comforting background noise. We loved our TV. Life without TV was no life at all. Life without TV meant we had to talk to each other. And since I had my own in my bedroom, I could watch whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. One of the best perks of being an only child.

An early photo of me

On the flip side, Tyler grew up in a much larger household. He wasn't allowed to watch TV and was usually too busy with sports anyway. It wasn't a given for him; TV was a privilege. And even if TV was allowed, I can only imagine the battles over watching Beverly Hills 90210 or, I don't know, Æon Flux. TV wasn't indoctrinated. Tyler didn't need it. And therefore, he can enjoy it like a normal person.

But here we are many years later, living together. Tyler and I have two TVs, which is a reasonable number, if you ask me. If we're downstairs, I usually turn on the TV for background noise. And usually, I turn on something I want to watch--the reality programming of TLC, E!, the Food Network or reruns of Dr. Phil. When it's time for bed, I usually turn on The Simpsons. (Luckily, we both like something on as we fall asleep and both like The Simpsons.) But it's still me choosing which season or episode to watch.

I appreciate the fact that Tyler doesn't "care" about TV as much as I do. He's not a remote control Nazi. Even if I'm watching something not to his taste, he doesn't immediately pick up the remote and change it. He just waits patiently for me to realize that, hey, Keeping Up with Kardashians is still on and that ain't his cup of TV. I try to have some alacrity with changing the channel because I don't enjoy making him suffer. We have enough channels that we can find something we both want to watch, for goodness sake. And I have plenty of time to watch trash when he's not in the room.

I am greedy with the remote. I'll admit it. When I remember, I'll hand it over and let Tyler find something he wants to watch. Usually an action movie. Not really my cup of tea. But I am happy to compromise. I love seeing him happy even if it's just over something small. And if he can do it for me, I can certainly do it for him.