Dear Tyler #15

Dear Tyler,

I love you! Frankly, I find there's no better way to start a letter than that, so I shall continue to begin my letters this way.

I want you to know I feel at peace. And it is sweet. For a very long time (far too long) I lived my life very tightly coiled. I wanted drama. I wanted conflict because that would make my life more interesting. I partly blame this on growing up in Nowheresville. Partly. I couldn't just be happy with what I had, or what I might have had. I needed it to be fantastic. I needed to overcome. I created problems where there were no problems. I made myself "less than" because everyone roots for the underdog. Silly, to say the least. But whatever. I am done beating myself (and letting others beat me up) over things I can't change now. No one can make me feel anything unless I let them. I am free.

Lately, I've been feeling very uncoiled. I don't need or want drama any more. I like going with flow, taking it easy, just being without trying to be something else or subconsciously looking for drama. It has been weeks (maybe a month or two) since I've cried over something negative and that is because I am stronger than ever before. And you might think it's ridiculous, but I think this rainy weather has helped. :-)

I hope you have noticed this change in me. I hope you are happy with me. That sounds dumb, but it is something I always hope. I feel confident that you are. I wouldn't have gotten here if it weren't for you, and I love you for showing me the way. Thank you.

Love,
Jordyn

Dear Tyler #14

Dear Tyler,

I love you! Woo hoo! I felt like sharing that. I will always feel like sharing that. Here are some other thoughts I want to share:

I want to thank you again for coming to Kelsey's wedding with me. You might remember how many times I did say thank you that day and that was because 1) it was one of your (non-consecutive) days off and 2) I realized there might have been a few people there who remember me as someone I no longer am and never want to be or will be again. I wasn't very positive about the idea of marriage a few years ago. I would roll my eyes and make disparaging remarks about true love. A defense mechanism. Textbook bitter spinster. I was concerned about people calling my a hypocrite.

But whatever. I am happy to be a hypocrite in this regard. I am glad to have been shown the error of my ways. Yes, I was wrong, wrong, wrong to be so poo-pooish. I was an asshole. (I'm sorry, universe. Thank you for gifting me with Tyler.)

Over the past week, I've thought about how sad I made myself and how I enjoyed being sad and mired in the bullshit. Even if I tip towards sadness, I immediately jerk myself out of it. I am responsible for my own happiness. I am responsible for my own sadness. Why on earth would I want to bring myself down? That sort of thing seems insane.

I feel like an entirely new person now. And by new person, I mean, who I truly am. I am me again! I am very pleased and touched that people saw it. I am glad I have a chance to truly shine and it is because of you that I do. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Love,
Jordyn