Dear Tyler #15

Dear Tyler,

I love you! Frankly, I find there's no better way to start a letter than that, so I shall continue to begin my letters this way.

I want you to know I feel at peace. And it is sweet. For a very long time (far too long) I lived my life very tightly coiled. I wanted drama. I wanted conflict because that would make my life more interesting. I partly blame this on growing up in Nowheresville. Partly. I couldn't just be happy with what I had, or what I might have had. I needed it to be fantastic. I needed to overcome. I created problems where there were no problems. I made myself "less than" because everyone roots for the underdog. Silly, to say the least. But whatever. I am done beating myself (and letting others beat me up) over things I can't change now. No one can make me feel anything unless I let them. I am free.

Lately, I've been feeling very uncoiled. I don't need or want drama any more. I like going with flow, taking it easy, just being without trying to be something else or subconsciously looking for drama. It has been weeks (maybe a month or two) since I've cried over something negative and that is because I am stronger than ever before. And you might think it's ridiculous, but I think this rainy weather has helped. :-)

I hope you have noticed this change in me. I hope you are happy with me. That sounds dumb, but it is something I always hope. I feel confident that you are. I wouldn't have gotten here if it weren't for you, and I love you for showing me the way. Thank you.

Love,
Jordyn

Dear Tyler #14

Dear Tyler,

I love you! Woo hoo! I felt like sharing that. I will always feel like sharing that. Here are some other thoughts I want to share:

I want to thank you again for coming to Kelsey's wedding with me. You might remember how many times I did say thank you that day and that was because 1) it was one of your (non-consecutive) days off and 2) I realized there might have been a few people there who remember me as someone I no longer am and never want to be or will be again. I wasn't very positive about the idea of marriage a few years ago. I would roll my eyes and make disparaging remarks about true love. A defense mechanism. Textbook bitter spinster. I was concerned about people calling my a hypocrite.

But whatever. I am happy to be a hypocrite in this regard. I am glad to have been shown the error of my ways. Yes, I was wrong, wrong, wrong to be so poo-pooish. I was an asshole. (I'm sorry, universe. Thank you for gifting me with Tyler.)

Over the past week, I've thought about how sad I made myself and how I enjoyed being sad and mired in the bullshit. Even if I tip towards sadness, I immediately jerk myself out of it. I am responsible for my own happiness. I am responsible for my own sadness. Why on earth would I want to bring myself down? That sort of thing seems insane.

I feel like an entirely new person now. And by new person, I mean, who I truly am. I am me again! I am very pleased and touched that people saw it. I am glad I have a chance to truly shine and it is because of you that I do. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Love,
Jordyn

Dear Tyler #13

Dear Tyler,

Good morning, my lovely man! The sun is shining (which I am rather enjoying instead of hissing at) and the leaves are falling and I feel extremely blessed to be entering our second autumn as a couple! Yes, the first day of fall was a couple of days ago, but I am truly feeling it today.

I am happy, my love. I am happy within myself and I am happy beside you. I am really looking forward to our day off together. I am looking forward to every day! I am looking forward to more meals so delicious I have to close my eyes! I am looking forward to more cozy nights watching movies! I am looking forward to always falling asleep to The Simpsons! I am looking forward to more passionate kisses, tender touches, pinches and spankings, caresses and squeezes, and spine tingling, toe curling, mind blowing exhausting strings of orgasms with you! I am looking forward to LIFE with you!

YOU ROCK MY WORLD!

I love love LOVE you!!!!!

Love,
Jordyn

Dear Tyler #12

Dear Tyler,

I love you. I know you know that, but I felt like saying it here. Also, it's the morning and I don't have any sort of revelations as of this moment. I feel good. I feel happy. I'm starting to get my work shit in order. Now that that new position coming--hopefully nothing queers the deal--I have the possibility of going up, which puts a spring in my step. I'm sure you can relate to that.

I'm going to have a good day. I wish the same for you. That is all!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Love,
Jordyn

Dear Tyler #11

Dear Tyler,

I continue to feel good and strong. A great part of my remaining issues has to do with my job and how mentally draining it is for me. Whine, whine, whine. It could be worse. It has been worse. I just don't feel mentally stimulated at work. I spend a third of my day there and I don't feel that I am better for it. I have to focus primarily on the monetary side. I need to do this to get money. It's not just about me. (Believe me, if I was still just paying my own bills, I would have taken so many sick days...)

So fine. I don't like my job. I don't feel "happy" at work, but not many people do. I will continue to go, of course. But I need to do something outside of work to keep me stimulated. And that something is writing.

I have read on some reputable psychology websites (I've been doing that recently) that to have a happy relationship, it's not about giving 100% to your partner but giving 90%. I think this is far more doable and realistic. For example, your game makes you happy. It has nothing to do with me. (Thank you for involving me with the treasure chests, but that's just for fun.) When you come home from work and I sit with you while you game, it's because 1) I haven't seen you all day and I want to spend time with you and 2) For some reason, I seem to think that whenever you are home, I need to be ready to drop whatever I am doing to attend to you.

This is fucking ridiculous and self-imposed, I know that. You don't need me sitting right there. You may like it, but you don't need it. (I'm working on that.)

Just like you have your games to entertain/stimulate you, I need to have the same thing that I do on my own. For me that is writing. The easy solution is for me to write when you are gaming. However, I prefer to write in the morning--start my day off by being productive, puts me in a good mood. I've already accomplished something important to me so while I'm tarrying away at work, it's no longer depressing.

So if writing makes me happy (as a thing separate from spending time with you), I should write. Stop talking about it and do it. Make myself happy. You game. I write. THEN WE'RE ALL HAPPY.

But I love you. I want to be there for you. I want to do my part in making you happy. So I'm asking sincerely...what do you need from me? What do you need from me now, on September 19, 2016, at this point in our relationship? What do you need me to do to make you feel loved and special? Communication. I know that one.(I'm doing it right now!) And obviously the biggies--honesty, no cheating, no abuse. Remember I am an Acts of Service gal, so my first inclination is to find something tangible, something to point at: "See, I made you this sandwich! That means I love you!" But that may not always work for you, and it's certainly not enough. So please, tell me what I can do in addition to what I'm doing now. Or is that enough?

Love,
Jordyn

Dear Tyler #10

Dear Tyler,

I just got out of the tub. I'm feeling good. I am feeling happy, which is why it's so important I continue doing this. It's like dieting. Just because you've lost ten pounds doesn't mean you should eat a gallon of ice cream. It's about maintenance. It's about forming good habits at this point.

Here's the most important conclusion I've come to during these sessions (damn, that sounds so pretentious): I love myself. I am awesome. I am clever. I am unique. I ain't perfect, but brother, who is? Of course I have things I want to work on, but instead of crumbling at the thought of my inadequacies, I can stand up to them, look them in the eye. I can try to change them. But even better, I can celebrate all the things about myself I think are awesome, which maybe nobody else does. And so what if they don't?

Right. Learning to love myself a long time ago would have been great. But I didn't. I kept waiting to feel love from others. That love--romantic love--seemed more important than self-love. I thought, "I can love myself any old time. That's easy. Getting someone else to love me truly reveals my goodness and worth."

Wrong thoughts. Wrong thoughts all. It wasn't easy to love myself. How could I love myself when so-and-so didn't? Obviously there was something wrong with me, something that was lacking, something that plainly screamed I did not deserve love or even a measly date. (This is not what I think now.)

But that was then and this is now. Now I do have someone who loves me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and yet....up until a few days ago, I still didn't love myself. Not that I hated myself, mind you. But why should I love me when I have you to do it for me?

Let's use food as an analogy. I barely know how to cook. I do it begrudgingly, rarely. I survive on microwavables. Then you came along and cook real healthy meals for me. This is awesome! Someone who wants to feed me! Someone who wants to nurture me! But then, you aren't always around to feed me. Sometimes you have work. Sometimes you don't feel like cooking. But I've become accustomed to the good food you make and I can't just go back to microwave popcorn and canned soup! So I have two choices: I can starve or I can learn to feed myself food of quality.

Look, I manage to feed myself even when you're not around to cook for me. I make sure my belly is taken care of even if I would prefer you to make me three meals a day. I need to do that for my heart too. I especially need to do that when you might be upset with me. I'm sure you can recall all the times I didn't think I was "worth it". Well, I am worth it, goddamn it. I am one groovy chick. I am glad you saw it, even if it was far too long before I did.

This isn't my way of saying that I don't love you or care about your thoughts, feelings, or opinions anymore. It goes back to the concept of interdependence. I shouldn't rely on you, solely, to make me feel good about myself, to make me happy, or to feel love. You certainly don't rely on me to do it for you. You know you're a good man. You don't need me to tell you to believe it for yourself. But it's nice to hear me say "You're a good man.", isn't it? I should be sharing those thoughts with you. I should be wanting to make you feel special, not because you need it, but because you deserve it.

Tyler, you have done wonderfully with me, but you can only do so much. It's my turn. I am filling in the parts of me that are empty now. I apologize for my resistance, my lack of motivation, my spotty track record and all the times I failed before. I keep thinking: if a person is whole and beautiful on their own, how amazing is he or she when put with another whole and beautiful person? I no longer want you to "complete me". I want to be complete and with you.

I want to be like peanut butter and chocolate: awesome on their own, but a fucking phenomenon together.

Love,
Jordyn

Dear Tyler #9

Dear Tyler,

The text I sent you last night was first of all true and secondly meant to show you the progress I've made. It might not seem like much, but I'm sure you remember all the other times this issue has come up and all the times it has not been brought up by me afterwards. I would apologize but once things got rosy again, I wouldn't touch the topic with a ten foot pole. Mostly because I did not want to infect our good times with memories of bad times.

Things are going well right now and it was tough for me to bring that up, only because I didn't want to rock the boat. I'm glad I did bring it up though. I wanted to share that thought with you. It's a thought I will continue to share with you.

Here's a small look into what I've been pondering in the tub: My life has been a constant swinging pendulum of high anxiety or low depression, mostly depression. (Understand from this point forward that I am not blaming anyone but myself for my extreme emotions and the events that spurred them.) And then once I met you, extreme happiness came into that mix. That was not something I was used to. However, we had our low points. Up and down. Back and forth. (Literally. There were nights I drove to and from our places three or four times.) The point is, it has been a series of extremes and to deal with these extremes, I went into self-preservation mode which was "don't think about it". Stay sane anyway you know how.

But at this moment, I am taking a hold of the pendulum so it can't move. I am holding on to it so I can fucking think. True, there have been plenty of opportunities to do this since becoming aware of and accepting my emotional damage, but I didn't want to. I wanted to be utterly happy. I wanted to live in the moment of "Tyler and I are chilling on the couch" and "Tyler and I are eating a dinner he made for me". That isn't to say I wasn't happy when I started this or that I'm not happy now (in fact, the longer I do this the happier and calmer and more stable I become) but I am not happy in a distracted way.

I've only been doing this for a few days. I am not fixed. This is not a quick fix thing. I appreciate your patience and I appreciate you taking it easy on me. Thank you.

Love,
Jordyn