UPDATE

Two months ago, I made this statement about an old blog of mine that I cannot delete:

...So even though I wanted to delete it, I couldn't. But it's a common story. There are lots of abandoned blogs floating around. Boo hoo. Yes, boo hoo, indeed, because mine has hurt the person I care about most. When Tyler found that blog, I came to realize why I abandoned it and attempted to ignore it. It's written proof of things I regret doing and feeling. Even though I have tried and tried and tried and tried and tried to delete it, I can't. If I could, I would blow up the whole damn internet to get rid of this thing. But I can't do that either. I lack the technology and know how. But believe you me, I would in a heartbeat.

Yesterday I was presented with a similar opportunity in which I didn't lack the ability or know how. I failed. So I'm a fucking hypocritical asshole.

Here's the short version because I do not want to crowd this blog with my past shit. Once upon a time, I liked this guy. We'll call him Delusion #2. Delusion #2 liked Star Wars. I liked Star Wars. This was something we could bond over. It was important for him to know how much I liked Star Wars. So what did I do? I bought posters for Episodes IV through VI. I hung them on my dorm room walls. This did not matter to Delusion #2.

Years later, when Delusion #2 was physically out of my life, I still continued to hang those posters on my walls because I had come to really love Star Wars. And that dark twisted masochist subconscious part of me wanted a reminder of him. I was only paying attention to my conscious-conscious; I still like Star Wars. I'm not going to let my bullshit with Delusion #2 ruin a trilogy of great movies. Fuck that situation. I'm putting up the posters.

Once Tyler learned that there was a connection he was not happy. But I didn't get it. They were just posters for very popular movies. So what? I didn't believe what he was saying; that they were symbols of my past damaging feelings. But I took them down. If it was him or the posters, the choice was obvious. I gave him the posters to do what he wanted with them. I wrote him a letter saying as much. And I said something along the lines of "maybe you'll give them back to me one day." It wasn't so much the posters I cared about, but did that mean I could never watch Star Wars again? I wanted to watch Star Wars again. I wanted him to be okay with that and realize that I could separate past associations with pure entertainment.

Tyler kept the posters. I forgot about the whole thing because that's what I do with a lot of unpleasantness. Then yesterday, I came home to find all three up on the walls. My first reaction was "What the hell?" A bad "What the hell?" I felt a sickening stab of doom. But then that over optimistic, delusional part of me thought: "Hooray! He doesn't care anymore! We can watch Star Wars again! Yay! He finally believes you! He finally understands that they're just movies!"

Wrong. I should have torn them down immediately. What I have been ignoring this whole time is that they are symbols of my past feelings. Just like my blog is a literal online platform of my past feelings. I can't destroy the blog, but I could have taken down the posters. I just didn't see them as equal. But I should have. It goes without saying that I am thickheaded about all of this. I had an opportunity to "blow up the internet" but I missed it. And made it worse by being actually happy that the posters were up because I thought that might mean I could enjoy Star Wars again.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

I thought of me, myself, and I yesterday when I should have realized how fucking out of character it was for Tyler to put those posters up and it was an obvious sign to take action. My mind was fogged. It had been a bad day, following a bad night which turns my mind to slurry. When I am under duress, I get selfish. I look for ways to feel happy again. I should have realized the opportunity in front of me, that I could make Tyler happy and heal him a little, but instead I made us both miserable and hurt him.

So, like I said. I am hypocritical asshole.

All I can do is try harder the next day and the next and the next until I get it right.

I'm sorry, Tyler.