Dear Tyler #3

Dear Tyler,

I've been thinking a lot about love languages. Some may think the whole concept of love languages is total bullshit, but not I, obviously. In fact, I took a quiz to discover what my dominant love language was. (More on that later.)

You see, there are five choices--Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch (not just sexy-times), and Gift Giving (thoughtful gift giving, like getting someone their favorite flower vs. a dozen roses just because roses are the Flower of Love). I think practicing all five is important. But there is one that is the most important to you. And if one doesn't get it from their partner, one tends to feel unloved.

Yours is Words of Affirmation, which goes beyond compliments, and includes all communication. Honest communication. On a regular basis. Right now, I very much hope I am "speaking" your love language by telling you exactly what I'm thinking and feeling. I am putting forth the effort to show you how much I love you.

Your little red dictionary defines Love as "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person." But most people agree it's putting another's needs before your own. I find that interesting. Needs. Not wants. What is the difference? When does a want become a need? Is it something like: I want spaghetti, but I just need dinner? If you provide dinner for me--regardless of what it is--that means you meet my needs, and therefore, you love me. But I argue, if you really love me, you won't ever serve me a grilled cheese sandwich made with Kraft Singles.

I think the more accurate definition is "putting another's happiness before your own." Happiness is a lot more arbitrary and a lot more difficult to nail down. Everyone shares (or should share) the same basic needs in a relationship: "I need to trust you." "I need to feel safe around you." "You need to make me feel good about myself." But when you bring in love languages, it gets complicated. "I need you to pick up your socks" for one person. "I need you to shut your phone off when you talk to me" for another. Learning what's important to your partner is necessary. If you don't, then what's the point? Why be with this person if you're only going to ignore what they need?

It don't sound pretty, but sometimes love means doing things you aren't comfortable doing. In my love languages quiz, my top two were Physical Touch and Acts of Service, the non-verbal ones. People generally show love in the same way they like to receive love. I am, apparently, an actions-speak-louder-than-words type of gal. It's easier for me to do things--make a sandwich!--than to go into depth about my feelings. Like I said yesterday, that doesn't mean I don't want to. I'm not turning up my nose and saying "Talking about my feelings is for fags." The want is there. It's the execution that is faulty. And that's what I'm working on. This very second, as I type.

Maybe you have no trouble understanding why giving your partner your undivided attention is important, but the sock thing? Come on, they're just socks. It's nothing personal. But knowing how much it matters to your partner should give you the inspiration to pick up the damn socks. You may not see the reason, but you should WANT to do it because it makes your partner happy. It makes them feel loved. It can be simple: picking up socks = loved, happy partner. There's your reason.

These are the things I've been thinking about, to help light a fire under my ass, to get me to a place of action. I want you to know I'm putting in the work.

Love,
Jordyn