Dear Tyler #5

Dear Tyler,

This is my understanding of current events. Since I don't have the guts or strength to get into a possible argument with you right now, when I have work in three hours, I am putting it here. Cowardly, sure. But I am still communicating.

Fact: I did damage to the car.

Fact: The damage is cosmetic. The car continues to run.

Fact: We don't yet know how much it will cost to repair.

Fact: You want me to get a part time job to pay for the damages.

Let me state my case.

The whole reason for getting a new car was for "peace of mind" and "safe passage" so I could get to and from work without the worry of someone kidnapping me. The car still fulfills that duty. Yes, it doesn't look perfect anymore. That sucks. And it will continue to not look perfect until I fix it. I don't like the way it looks either. And every time I've walked by it, I force myself to look. I made the mistake, I should be responsible for it. Every mistake is a learning opportunity. And you bet your sweet bippy I am being overly cautious now.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but you feel if I don't put forth effort to repairing the car that you worked so hard to get for me and that you are paying for, I am giving you a big "fuck you". I am saying I don't care about you or what you do for me. You will resent me if I don't do anything.

I understand that. But I need you to understand my side as well.

From my perspective, I have bigger problems than the way my car looks. (If we were talking a function issue, like a busted tail light, I would have different thoughts.) I need that extra time only having one job affords me. Need, not want. NEED. I need that extra time to regroup. And I should use that extra time to work on myself. How can I ever expect to get better if I am emotionally exhausted any further? I just can't.

Here's what I've been thinking about since our conversation on the 3rd: I need to think about why I complicate things. I need to do a complete mental run down and makeover and fix the way my mind works. But how? Well, I need uninterrupted time to just think about it, for that to be my primary focus. When people go to rehab, they put everything on pause--jobs, relationships--so they can put all their energy into getting better. I don't have the luxury of not working and I haven't since you first held up the mirror. As it is, the only thing I can do is use the time when I am not working, sleeping, or upholding our relationship to fix myself.

Admittedly, I have not used all my alone time to this end. Not lately. It's been on and off. Life gets in the way. I have to rest so I can function at work and still have something to give you. As Dr. Phil says, "You have to take care of you before you can take care of others." I need to do whatever it is I need to do to get myself in a place where I can face the public for seven hours. It's better that I do that than just crumble at work or not go.

Maybe you didn't understand I felt this way until now. That's why I communicated it, just in case you didn't know. Please understand, after being made aware that I feel this way, if you still pressure me into getting another job, I will feel that you are putting the way the car looks over my mental health. Not my feelings, not even my happiness. My mental health. So please, I am asking you to put this need of mine before yours at this time. Please.

And this is the problem. If my needs (having spare time) and your needs (me having a second job) conflict, what do we do? We have to compromise.

We agree the car needs to be fixed. We disagree on when. I want the car to look its best. And I will fix the dent. But it can't be now, not if now requires me to get another job. And frankly the dent is a reminder of how far I still need to go. I'm not mentally stable enough for two jobs? Why is that? What's my problem? It forces me to think about it. It forces me to see the damage I caused myself. It is a tangible reminder of my issues. A big tangible reminder. "You have work to do," it says every time I walk past it.

So when I follow through with fixing myself, I will be able to fix the dent. But if I do it just because you're pressuring me or because I want to avoid your resentment, that's no good. I have to do it for me, not to appease you.

I do not expect you to use your or even our money to fix the car. It will have to mine--what I earn outside of my normal job. And I'm not holding out, hoping you'll just get tired of looking at the dent and fork over the money. I would refuse. It is my problem and I will have to fix it. 

So yes, I damaged the car. I should have to get the means to repair it. You are right. But on the list of priorities, fixing myself is more important. Fix self, then fix car. I've been trying to find the positives in everything and this may be the kick in the pants I need. Is there still a dent in the car? Then I still have work to do. I used to judge how "well" I was by our overall interactions. Are things going well with us? Yes? Then I'm all better! Yay! I can't do that anymore. I shouldn't have done it in the first place. Just because you are acting sweetly towards me doesn't mean I'm better. Just because the damage isn't showing doesn't mean it's gone.

I hope we can compromise on this. Please consider my side. Please realize I have a plan now.

Love,
Jordyn