Dear Tyler #7

Dear Tyler,

My time spent in the tub was effective. Forcing myself into silence, in a comfortable, warm, peaceful environment gave me time to think. I was not simply relaxing after a day at work. I feared that maybe the deep thoughts wouldn't come. That maybe I would lay there and be more concerned with the fact that you were upstairs, possibly wanting my company. (Absurd, of course. You're entirely capable of entertaining yourself without me and I know you want me to get this shit together.)

So that lasted about a minute and then things came clearly. Not all the things. There's a lot of things. I kept repeating Dr. Phil's mantra: "You can't change what you don't acknowledge." What is it need I to acknowledge specifically? Lots of things, it turns out. And where do I begin? I have the answers to these questions now. But 40 minutes is not enough. Frankly, I would have stayed in the tub longer if the water had not gone cold and if Milly had left me alone. I wanted to make more progress and I was strong enough to continue. I am encouraged by this. I want you to be too.

Right. These are just words at this point. I realize that. Am I quite ready to grab Life by the balls? No. But I am off to see the Wizard, skipping merrily down the Yellow Brick Road. And the closer I come to the Emerald City, the easier it will get. I also see it as a game of Chutes & Ladders. If I can just deal with the ladders, if I can make it all the way through with going down even one chute, I'll be able to play the game again and not give a fuck about the chutes. I'll welcome the chutes because they will no longer be able to send me down emotionally.

It may not go that way. But I pray that it does. I need it to. I don't need any more setbacks. But if a setback happens, a setback happens. I'm not throwing in the towel, I will simply being trying not to drop it. Rest. Calm. Peace. Stability. I will heal under these circumstances and then I will be a fucking superhero. It's like I've just had heart surgery (in this example, I ate the fatty foods and didn't exercise and am the cause of my heart disease, shame on me) but now I'm in recovery. You wouldn't expect me to go for a jog. You wouldn't expect me to even get out of bed. But let's say there's a hurricane and the hospital needs to be evacuated. I must get out of bed to survive, so I do. But now I need an extra week (or whatever) of recovery.

Tyler, I love you. And I'm aware these recent blog posts have not been "about" my love for you, but they are related. They are "for" my love for you and for myself. How can I give you what you deserve (a loving, stable, whole woman) if I don't work on myself? And why haven't I gotten there yet? Distractions. Work. Setbacks. Not seeing that I need to be selfish in the right ways, the healing ways, so I can be unselfish when it comes to our relationship.

Again, here you are with only my words. Words are all I have right now. At least I am sharing them with you. Although I don't want to drag you through my mental muck, I want you to know that it's happening.

Love,
Jordyn