"Chandelier" -- Sia, 1000 Forms of Fear (2014)
The beer flowed freely in the house I grew up in. My dad is and always has been a drinker. Not an alcoholic, but a drinker. And from a young age, I was introduced to the "culture" of drinking. I saw my dad drunk many times, and I never liked it. He wasn't angry or abusive he was just...ignorant. He wanted to feel good and he didn't care how annoying it was to my mother and I. Usually accompanied with his heavy drinking would be hours upon hours of him blasting his stereo. Never on a school night. But when it was his weekend, he wanted to get wasted. He either didn't care or didn't realize how much this bothered me and my mother. And his selfishness hurt our feelings.
When I got to high school, the worst peer pressure to drink I received came from my from my dad. He wanted to bond with me. I get it. But I was a square so I always declined. Plus, my mom obviously had her opinions on drinking and I wanted to be on Team Mom. There wasn't a lot of actual peer pressure to drink when I was in high school. Everyone was very focused on sports and the town was so small that if there was drinking, someone would find out and then you couldn't be on the team and that was, like, the worst thing, like, ever.
Still, I had my first official drink my senior year: a glass of red wine to celebrate finishing my first novel, the now lost Jackson's Bride. This was done at my best friend Ashley's house. She and her brother were allowed to drink wine whenever they wanted. Although I could have easily grabbed a beer from my dad's garage, I wanted something classy. So red wine it was. I didn't like it. I don't remember even feeling buzzed. Drinking was...whatever.
Then came college. And I began to regress. Suddenly all my D.A.R.E. lessons went out the window. I wanted to seem mature. I wanted to fit in, to join in. I was a theater major and at the end of every show's run, there would be a party for all those involved in the production. The first time I got drunk--off of Mike's Hard Lemonade--was at one of these parties. At the time, it was awesome. I felt happy and giddy and free. My good time was amplified. I could speak freely. I felt invincible. I could flirt. And if I happened to say something a little too revealing, I could always blame the alcohol later. It was the perfect excuse.
Until I turned 21, these far between parties were mainly where I got alcohol. I justified getting wasted at each one because they were only every few months. I wasn't doing it every night or even every week. So it was "okay". But when I did turn 21, that changed. All of my worst decisions have been made while intoxicated. All of the worst moments of my life have somehow been related to alcohol. I don't need to go through these events with a fine tooth comb because it doesn't matter what. It matters why. I wanted to feel confident. I wanted to do things against my character. I wanted to be selfish. I wanted to escape from the pain of these mistakes. I wanted a loophole for my bad decisions.
Alcohol isn't to blame here. (18th Amendment anyone?) I knew how alcohol would effect me but I drank it anyway. I am to blame.
BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE WRITING ABOUT A SONG, RIGHT?
The first time I heard "Chandelier", I was working as a housekeeper in a hotel. Not a good time in my life, needless to say. I drank frequently at that time because I had nothing better to do. My social life was relegated to watching The Bachelor with two friends (one married with a child, the other recently engaged) on Monday nights.
I liked "Chandelier" the moment I heard it. So weird! Such passion! POWERFUL! Then I listened closer. The lyrics tell of a party girl who drinks to feel good and suppress her true feelings. She feels ashamed, so she drinks more. A vicious cycle. Hey, I knew about that! I wasn't in my "party girl" phase anymore, I was in my "drinks alone in self-pity" phase. One seemed far more exciting than the other. Therefore, "Chandelier" became my most listened to song of 2014. And a little into 2015. Basically until I got my new job where I eventually met Tyler.
Swinging from a chandelier is ridiculous. If you saw someone doing this at a party, you would pity them and fear for them. It's dangerous, not beautiful and not impressive. The act of swinging from the chandelier is a metaphor for drinking. You are trying to make getting sloppy drunk seem more glamorous than it is. "Hey, I'm swinging from a chandelier, not twirling around a stripper pole! It's not so bad! I'm a classy hot mess!" This is dark material for a pop song for this decade. I was impressed that it charted so high. But that's because "Chandelier" is so unfortunately normal. Sia and I weren't the only ones with these problems apparently.
Regardless of my personal improvements and epiphanies, "Chandelier" is still a weird, passionate, powerful song. I still like listening to it and attempting to sing it. I look at the song differently now. It is no longer a painful anthem for me to wallow with. Now I see it as surprisingly poignant piece of art. It helps me identify the absurdity of drinking. I would look like an asshole swinging from a chandelier, not a tragic heroine in self-destruct mode. I don't want to be either.
There are a lot of reasons why people drink: to make a good time better, to make a bad time better, to relieve stress and on and on. Lately, I haven't had any "bad times", so I don't need booze to feel better. As for good times, I don't think alcohol makes improves them any. Because how can they be improved? When it comes to stress, I have tried to find alternative methods like meditation and herbal tea (Christ, I sound like hippie).
Bottom line: I am not a good person when I drink. I want to be a good person, therefore I no longer drink. (Unless I'm with my dad. Not drinking when I'm with my dad is equivalent to some kids refusing to pray at the dinner table when they go home.) I am not at my best when I drink. But who is, really? Drinking doesn't make anyone better. It just makes some people feel better. I want to be my best because that is the woman Tyler deserves to be with. The least I can do is not get in my own way.
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