Dear Tyler #13

Dear Tyler,

Good morning, my lovely man! The sun is shining (which I am rather enjoying instead of hissing at) and the leaves are falling and I feel extremely blessed to be entering our second autumn as a couple! Yes, the first day of fall was a couple of days ago, but I am truly feeling it today.

I am happy, my love. I am happy within myself and I am happy beside you. I am really looking forward to our day off together. I am looking forward to every day! I am looking forward to more meals so delicious I have to close my eyes! I am looking forward to more cozy nights watching movies! I am looking forward to always falling asleep to The Simpsons! I am looking forward to more passionate kisses, tender touches, pinches and spankings, caresses and squeezes, and spine tingling, toe curling, mind blowing exhausting strings of orgasms with you! I am looking forward to LIFE with you!

YOU ROCK MY WORLD!

I love love LOVE you!!!!!

Love,
Jordyn

Dear Tyler #12

Dear Tyler,

I love you. I know you know that, but I felt like saying it here. Also, it's the morning and I don't have any sort of revelations as of this moment. I feel good. I feel happy. I'm starting to get my work shit in order. Now that that new position coming--hopefully nothing queers the deal--I have the possibility of going up, which puts a spring in my step. I'm sure you can relate to that.

I'm going to have a good day. I wish the same for you. That is all!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Love,
Jordyn

Dear Tyler #11

Dear Tyler,

I continue to feel good and strong. A great part of my remaining issues has to do with my job and how mentally draining it is for me. Whine, whine, whine. It could be worse. It has been worse. I just don't feel mentally stimulated at work. I spend a third of my day there and I don't feel that I am better for it. I have to focus primarily on the monetary side. I need to do this to get money. It's not just about me. (Believe me, if I was still just paying my own bills, I would have taken so many sick days...)

So fine. I don't like my job. I don't feel "happy" at work, but not many people do. I will continue to go, of course. But I need to do something outside of work to keep me stimulated. And that something is writing.

I have read on some reputable psychology websites (I've been doing that recently) that to have a happy relationship, it's not about giving 100% to your partner but giving 90%. I think this is far more doable and realistic. For example, your game makes you happy. It has nothing to do with me. (Thank you for involving me with the treasure chests, but that's just for fun.) When you come home from work and I sit with you while you game, it's because 1) I haven't seen you all day and I want to spend time with you and 2) For some reason, I seem to think that whenever you are home, I need to be ready to drop whatever I am doing to attend to you.

This is fucking ridiculous and self-imposed, I know that. You don't need me sitting right there. You may like it, but you don't need it. (I'm working on that.)

Just like you have your games to entertain/stimulate you, I need to have the same thing that I do on my own. For me that is writing. The easy solution is for me to write when you are gaming. However, I prefer to write in the morning--start my day off by being productive, puts me in a good mood. I've already accomplished something important to me so while I'm tarrying away at work, it's no longer depressing.

So if writing makes me happy (as a thing separate from spending time with you), I should write. Stop talking about it and do it. Make myself happy. You game. I write. THEN WE'RE ALL HAPPY.

But I love you. I want to be there for you. I want to do my part in making you happy. So I'm asking sincerely...what do you need from me? What do you need from me now, on September 19, 2016, at this point in our relationship? What do you need me to do to make you feel loved and special? Communication. I know that one.(I'm doing it right now!) And obviously the biggies--honesty, no cheating, no abuse. Remember I am an Acts of Service gal, so my first inclination is to find something tangible, something to point at: "See, I made you this sandwich! That means I love you!" But that may not always work for you, and it's certainly not enough. So please, tell me what I can do in addition to what I'm doing now. Or is that enough?

Love,
Jordyn

Dear Tyler #10

Dear Tyler,

I just got out of the tub. I'm feeling good. I am feeling happy, which is why it's so important I continue doing this. It's like dieting. Just because you've lost ten pounds doesn't mean you should eat a gallon of ice cream. It's about maintenance. It's about forming good habits at this point.

Here's the most important conclusion I've come to during these sessions (damn, that sounds so pretentious): I love myself. I am awesome. I am clever. I am unique. I ain't perfect, but brother, who is? Of course I have things I want to work on, but instead of crumbling at the thought of my inadequacies, I can stand up to them, look them in the eye. I can try to change them. But even better, I can celebrate all the things about myself I think are awesome, which maybe nobody else does. And so what if they don't?

Right. Learning to love myself a long time ago would have been great. But I didn't. I kept waiting to feel love from others. That love--romantic love--seemed more important than self-love. I thought, "I can love myself any old time. That's easy. Getting someone else to love me truly reveals my goodness and worth."

Wrong thoughts. Wrong thoughts all. It wasn't easy to love myself. How could I love myself when so-and-so didn't? Obviously there was something wrong with me, something that was lacking, something that plainly screamed I did not deserve love or even a measly date. (This is not what I think now.)

But that was then and this is now. Now I do have someone who loves me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and yet....up until a few days ago, I still didn't love myself. Not that I hated myself, mind you. But why should I love me when I have you to do it for me?

Let's use food as an analogy. I barely know how to cook. I do it begrudgingly, rarely. I survive on microwavables. Then you came along and cook real healthy meals for me. This is awesome! Someone who wants to feed me! Someone who wants to nurture me! But then, you aren't always around to feed me. Sometimes you have work. Sometimes you don't feel like cooking. But I've become accustomed to the good food you make and I can't just go back to microwave popcorn and canned soup! So I have two choices: I can starve or I can learn to feed myself food of quality.

Look, I manage to feed myself even when you're not around to cook for me. I make sure my belly is taken care of even if I would prefer you to make me three meals a day. I need to do that for my heart too. I especially need to do that when you might be upset with me. I'm sure you can recall all the times I didn't think I was "worth it". Well, I am worth it, goddamn it. I am one groovy chick. I am glad you saw it, even if it was far too long before I did.

This isn't my way of saying that I don't love you or care about your thoughts, feelings, or opinions anymore. It goes back to the concept of interdependence. I shouldn't rely on you, solely, to make me feel good about myself, to make me happy, or to feel love. You certainly don't rely on me to do it for you. You know you're a good man. You don't need me to tell you to believe it for yourself. But it's nice to hear me say "You're a good man.", isn't it? I should be sharing those thoughts with you. I should be wanting to make you feel special, not because you need it, but because you deserve it.

Tyler, you have done wonderfully with me, but you can only do so much. It's my turn. I am filling in the parts of me that are empty now. I apologize for my resistance, my lack of motivation, my spotty track record and all the times I failed before. I keep thinking: if a person is whole and beautiful on their own, how amazing is he or she when put with another whole and beautiful person? I no longer want you to "complete me". I want to be complete and with you.

I want to be like peanut butter and chocolate: awesome on their own, but a fucking phenomenon together.

Love,
Jordyn

Dear Tyler #9

Dear Tyler,

The text I sent you last night was first of all true and secondly meant to show you the progress I've made. It might not seem like much, but I'm sure you remember all the other times this issue has come up and all the times it has not been brought up by me afterwards. I would apologize but once things got rosy again, I wouldn't touch the topic with a ten foot pole. Mostly because I did not want to infect our good times with memories of bad times.

Things are going well right now and it was tough for me to bring that up, only because I didn't want to rock the boat. I'm glad I did bring it up though. I wanted to share that thought with you. It's a thought I will continue to share with you.

Here's a small look into what I've been pondering in the tub: My life has been a constant swinging pendulum of high anxiety or low depression, mostly depression. (Understand from this point forward that I am not blaming anyone but myself for my extreme emotions and the events that spurred them.) And then once I met you, extreme happiness came into that mix. That was not something I was used to. However, we had our low points. Up and down. Back and forth. (Literally. There were nights I drove to and from our places three or four times.) The point is, it has been a series of extremes and to deal with these extremes, I went into self-preservation mode which was "don't think about it". Stay sane anyway you know how.

But at this moment, I am taking a hold of the pendulum so it can't move. I am holding on to it so I can fucking think. True, there have been plenty of opportunities to do this since becoming aware of and accepting my emotional damage, but I didn't want to. I wanted to be utterly happy. I wanted to live in the moment of "Tyler and I are chilling on the couch" and "Tyler and I are eating a dinner he made for me". That isn't to say I wasn't happy when I started this or that I'm not happy now (in fact, the longer I do this the happier and calmer and more stable I become) but I am not happy in a distracted way.

I've only been doing this for a few days. I am not fixed. This is not a quick fix thing. I appreciate your patience and I appreciate you taking it easy on me. Thank you.

Love,
Jordyn

Dear Tyler #8

Dear Tyler,

I am very much looking forward to the next two days. Instead of entertaining (a.k.a. distracting) myself, I will be working hard. An intensive workshop of self-reflection. A continuation of the progress I've already made. I am feeling extremely positive and positivity begets positivity. I am about to start my nightly tub session, but I wanted to give you some reassurance that things are still going well. I very much appreciate your support. It's happening.

Love,
Jordyn

Dear Tyler #7

Dear Tyler,

My time spent in the tub was effective. Forcing myself into silence, in a comfortable, warm, peaceful environment gave me time to think. I was not simply relaxing after a day at work. I feared that maybe the deep thoughts wouldn't come. That maybe I would lay there and be more concerned with the fact that you were upstairs, possibly wanting my company. (Absurd, of course. You're entirely capable of entertaining yourself without me and I know you want me to get this shit together.)

So that lasted about a minute and then things came clearly. Not all the things. There's a lot of things. I kept repeating Dr. Phil's mantra: "You can't change what you don't acknowledge." What is it need I to acknowledge specifically? Lots of things, it turns out. And where do I begin? I have the answers to these questions now. But 40 minutes is not enough. Frankly, I would have stayed in the tub longer if the water had not gone cold and if Milly had left me alone. I wanted to make more progress and I was strong enough to continue. I am encouraged by this. I want you to be too.

Right. These are just words at this point. I realize that. Am I quite ready to grab Life by the balls? No. But I am off to see the Wizard, skipping merrily down the Yellow Brick Road. And the closer I come to the Emerald City, the easier it will get. I also see it as a game of Chutes & Ladders. If I can just deal with the ladders, if I can make it all the way through with going down even one chute, I'll be able to play the game again and not give a fuck about the chutes. I'll welcome the chutes because they will no longer be able to send me down emotionally.

It may not go that way. But I pray that it does. I need it to. I don't need any more setbacks. But if a setback happens, a setback happens. I'm not throwing in the towel, I will simply being trying not to drop it. Rest. Calm. Peace. Stability. I will heal under these circumstances and then I will be a fucking superhero. It's like I've just had heart surgery (in this example, I ate the fatty foods and didn't exercise and am the cause of my heart disease, shame on me) but now I'm in recovery. You wouldn't expect me to go for a jog. You wouldn't expect me to even get out of bed. But let's say there's a hurricane and the hospital needs to be evacuated. I must get out of bed to survive, so I do. But now I need an extra week (or whatever) of recovery.

Tyler, I love you. And I'm aware these recent blog posts have not been "about" my love for you, but they are related. They are "for" my love for you and for myself. How can I give you what you deserve (a loving, stable, whole woman) if I don't work on myself? And why haven't I gotten there yet? Distractions. Work. Setbacks. Not seeing that I need to be selfish in the right ways, the healing ways, so I can be unselfish when it comes to our relationship.

Again, here you are with only my words. Words are all I have right now. At least I am sharing them with you. Although I don't want to drag you through my mental muck, I want you to know that it's happening.

Love,
Jordyn

Dear Tyler #6

Dear Tyler,

I have a plan now. That's better than all the other times before. I remember knowing I needed time alone and making a point about that. Three days, a week. And what was I going to do in that time? Relax. Have a whole day where there was no possibility of saying something wrong, and therefore I wouldn't be causing more damage. My time away wasn't necessarily about healing the wound, but making sure I didn't do anything to make it worse. It was about repairing my psyche from recent events so I could continue on. And after a day or so of being away from you, I crumbled. I needed to see how you were. And I wanted you to see me and know that I didn't skip town or whatever. You were gracious enough to give me that time, but I always chickened out.

So that wasn't the answer. I mean, the most intense (and probably effective) thing I could do would be to live in the woods for a month without any TV or books or internet, I would be forced to answer to my own thoughts. It would be unrelenting. But, I have a life and responsibilities, so that plan is laughable. Plus, me without showering? Nope.

The plan, as I explained yesterday, and have been thinking about ever since, will be to set some time aside everyday to be alone with my thoughts. I'm thinking an hour to start. No forms of entertainment or distraction. I will need silence and darkness. I will probably start in the tub. I'm going to have to do this when you're asleep or at work, because all my attention goes to you when you are present. Even if you're just upstairs, I don't want to waste an available moment. I want to be with you.

As we discussed yesterday, talk is cheap. I either do it or I don't. It's either effective or it's not. Thank you for giving me the time to see.

Love,
Jordyn

Dear Tyler #5

Dear Tyler,

This is my understanding of current events. Since I don't have the guts or strength to get into a possible argument with you right now, when I have work in three hours, I am putting it here. Cowardly, sure. But I am still communicating.

Fact: I did damage to the car.

Fact: The damage is cosmetic. The car continues to run.

Fact: We don't yet know how much it will cost to repair.

Fact: You want me to get a part time job to pay for the damages.

Let me state my case.

The whole reason for getting a new car was for "peace of mind" and "safe passage" so I could get to and from work without the worry of someone kidnapping me. The car still fulfills that duty. Yes, it doesn't look perfect anymore. That sucks. And it will continue to not look perfect until I fix it. I don't like the way it looks either. And every time I've walked by it, I force myself to look. I made the mistake, I should be responsible for it. Every mistake is a learning opportunity. And you bet your sweet bippy I am being overly cautious now.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but you feel if I don't put forth effort to repairing the car that you worked so hard to get for me and that you are paying for, I am giving you a big "fuck you". I am saying I don't care about you or what you do for me. You will resent me if I don't do anything.

I understand that. But I need you to understand my side as well.

From my perspective, I have bigger problems than the way my car looks. (If we were talking a function issue, like a busted tail light, I would have different thoughts.) I need that extra time only having one job affords me. Need, not want. NEED. I need that extra time to regroup. And I should use that extra time to work on myself. How can I ever expect to get better if I am emotionally exhausted any further? I just can't.

Here's what I've been thinking about since our conversation on the 3rd: I need to think about why I complicate things. I need to do a complete mental run down and makeover and fix the way my mind works. But how? Well, I need uninterrupted time to just think about it, for that to be my primary focus. When people go to rehab, they put everything on pause--jobs, relationships--so they can put all their energy into getting better. I don't have the luxury of not working and I haven't since you first held up the mirror. As it is, the only thing I can do is use the time when I am not working, sleeping, or upholding our relationship to fix myself.

Admittedly, I have not used all my alone time to this end. Not lately. It's been on and off. Life gets in the way. I have to rest so I can function at work and still have something to give you. As Dr. Phil says, "You have to take care of you before you can take care of others." I need to do whatever it is I need to do to get myself in a place where I can face the public for seven hours. It's better that I do that than just crumble at work or not go.

Maybe you didn't understand I felt this way until now. That's why I communicated it, just in case you didn't know. Please understand, after being made aware that I feel this way, if you still pressure me into getting another job, I will feel that you are putting the way the car looks over my mental health. Not my feelings, not even my happiness. My mental health. So please, I am asking you to put this need of mine before yours at this time. Please.

And this is the problem. If my needs (having spare time) and your needs (me having a second job) conflict, what do we do? We have to compromise.

We agree the car needs to be fixed. We disagree on when. I want the car to look its best. And I will fix the dent. But it can't be now, not if now requires me to get another job. And frankly the dent is a reminder of how far I still need to go. I'm not mentally stable enough for two jobs? Why is that? What's my problem? It forces me to think about it. It forces me to see the damage I caused myself. It is a tangible reminder of my issues. A big tangible reminder. "You have work to do," it says every time I walk past it.

So when I follow through with fixing myself, I will be able to fix the dent. But if I do it just because you're pressuring me or because I want to avoid your resentment, that's no good. I have to do it for me, not to appease you.

I do not expect you to use your or even our money to fix the car. It will have to mine--what I earn outside of my normal job. And I'm not holding out, hoping you'll just get tired of looking at the dent and fork over the money. I would refuse. It is my problem and I will have to fix it. 

So yes, I damaged the car. I should have to get the means to repair it. You are right. But on the list of priorities, fixing myself is more important. Fix self, then fix car. I've been trying to find the positives in everything and this may be the kick in the pants I need. Is there still a dent in the car? Then I still have work to do. I used to judge how "well" I was by our overall interactions. Are things going well with us? Yes? Then I'm all better! Yay! I can't do that anymore. I shouldn't have done it in the first place. Just because you are acting sweetly towards me doesn't mean I'm better. Just because the damage isn't showing doesn't mean it's gone.

I hope we can compromise on this. Please consider my side. Please realize I have a plan now.

Love,
Jordyn

Dear Tyler #4

Dear Tyler,

Last night we discussed my tendency to complicate things unnecessarily, an unfortunate hangover from my past. I've been thinking about that all day--as you can imagine--and I won't subject you to my thoughts. I know you don't care how the sausage gets made, as long as it gets made.

It's getting made. I know why I did it. Yet I don't yet know why I continue to do it.

I'm considering how exactly to go about changing the way my mind works. Actions to take. When faced with some sort of challenge, how do I keep myself grounded? How do I keep myself focused in times of crisis and discomfort? Why am I so high-strung and sensitive? And why do I jumble facts?

Look, I don't have any answers yet. But I am working on it. I'm aware I had plenty of time before I even met you, but as I've said before, if I had never met you, I never would have wanted to improve myself.

Love,
Jordyn

Dear Tyler #3

Dear Tyler,

I've been thinking a lot about love languages. Some may think the whole concept of love languages is total bullshit, but not I, obviously. In fact, I took a quiz to discover what my dominant love language was. (More on that later.)

You see, there are five choices--Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch (not just sexy-times), and Gift Giving (thoughtful gift giving, like getting someone their favorite flower vs. a dozen roses just because roses are the Flower of Love). I think practicing all five is important. But there is one that is the most important to you. And if one doesn't get it from their partner, one tends to feel unloved.

Yours is Words of Affirmation, which goes beyond compliments, and includes all communication. Honest communication. On a regular basis. Right now, I very much hope I am "speaking" your love language by telling you exactly what I'm thinking and feeling. I am putting forth the effort to show you how much I love you.

Your little red dictionary defines Love as "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person." But most people agree it's putting another's needs before your own. I find that interesting. Needs. Not wants. What is the difference? When does a want become a need? Is it something like: I want spaghetti, but I just need dinner? If you provide dinner for me--regardless of what it is--that means you meet my needs, and therefore, you love me. But I argue, if you really love me, you won't ever serve me a grilled cheese sandwich made with Kraft Singles.

I think the more accurate definition is "putting another's happiness before your own." Happiness is a lot more arbitrary and a lot more difficult to nail down. Everyone shares (or should share) the same basic needs in a relationship: "I need to trust you." "I need to feel safe around you." "You need to make me feel good about myself." But when you bring in love languages, it gets complicated. "I need you to pick up your socks" for one person. "I need you to shut your phone off when you talk to me" for another. Learning what's important to your partner is necessary. If you don't, then what's the point? Why be with this person if you're only going to ignore what they need?

It don't sound pretty, but sometimes love means doing things you aren't comfortable doing. In my love languages quiz, my top two were Physical Touch and Acts of Service, the non-verbal ones. People generally show love in the same way they like to receive love. I am, apparently, an actions-speak-louder-than-words type of gal. It's easier for me to do things--make a sandwich!--than to go into depth about my feelings. Like I said yesterday, that doesn't mean I don't want to. I'm not turning up my nose and saying "Talking about my feelings is for fags." The want is there. It's the execution that is faulty. And that's what I'm working on. This very second, as I type.

Maybe you have no trouble understanding why giving your partner your undivided attention is important, but the sock thing? Come on, they're just socks. It's nothing personal. But knowing how much it matters to your partner should give you the inspiration to pick up the damn socks. You may not see the reason, but you should WANT to do it because it makes your partner happy. It makes them feel loved. It can be simple: picking up socks = loved, happy partner. There's your reason.

These are the things I've been thinking about, to help light a fire under my ass, to get me to a place of action. I want you to know I'm putting in the work.

Love,
Jordyn

Dear Tyler #2

Dear Tyler,

Make no mistake, I want to communicate with you. For some reason, it is difficult for me. If we had telepathy between us, we wouldn't have these problems. You would know how much I loved you--instantaneously.

If you could see inside my mind you would see a beautiful room where the walls are covered in pictures of you and where our memories play in a endless loop on a TV. You can select them, Netflix style, if you like. There would be no windows or doors because there is no reason to leave and no reason to look elsewhere. You would like the room. Let's throw in a plush couch so we can both chill in there. Or better yet, a bed, so we can make love quite comfortably. I wish I could bring you into this room and give you the royal tour.

There is no other furniture besides the bed. There is no place to hide anything. My love for you is the only thing in the room. There are no remnants or dregs of the past. It is your room.

This is the best way I know how.

Love,
Jordyn

Dear Tyler #1

Dear Tyler,

Last night we went to bed early, both of us being exhausted from the night before. I didn't say much and nothing of importance. I know that. But when so little time has passed since the fight, everything I say can seem forced, like I am trying to regain the status quo as quickly as possible. Yes, I want it to go back to the way it normally is as quickly as possible, but that's not the way it works. It has to drift back in good, quality time.

It very much pleased me that you ate upstairs. You could have just as easily eaten downstairs in front of the other TV. Maybe you were so tired that you wanted to eat horizontally. Or maybe you wanted to be with me, even if we weren't talking, even if I was falling asleep. Thank you for being with me, no matter what the reason.

I texted you that I posted something last night. I don't know if you read it yet. I think you did, but you didn't say anything which leads me to believe that you feel indifferent towards what I said. Or it's too soon to matter. Maybe I should have asked if you read it. But just in case you didn't have a positive reaction, I didn't want to hear about it. Not yet.

I didn't say much this morning either. Still too soon. What could I have said? I love you. I'm sorry I hurt you again. I am trying to make it better. Only time will tell, though. Only if I keep communicating.

Today is a New Day

I'll do my best to keep this short.

Last night was one of the worst nights of my life. Tyler and I fought. What started as a texting conversation about reassurance eventually devolved into a wicked downward spiral of pain and anger, which you can blame on me.

But this morning, when I woke after two or three hours of uneven sleep, I felt alive and renewed. I realized today was the first day of the rest of my life. I may have went to bed a crazed, pitiful bitch, but I awoke with a spark of inspiration to do better, be a better person and a better fiancée to the man I love.

One can always do better and try harder.

And how can I be a better, nay the best fiancée I can possibly be? Why, by putting Tyler's happiness before my own, of course. So simple and yet, my bouts of selfishness keep it from happening at a steady rate. I can sit here and work out why: Mostly, I think what I'm doing is enough, even though Tyler has told me he needs more. He needs to hear what I'm thinking. He needs to hear how much I love him. I need to communicate.

I'm not good at communicating. Have you heard of the five love languages? It's this pop psychology theory that everyone has a way they like to give and receive love. To feel loved, Tyler needs Words of Affirmation and not just "I love you" and "You make me so happy." He needs something deeper and stronger such as,  "I am so over the moon, round the bend, bed-wetting, pants-shitting, cross-eyed-knocked-kneed, stupid crazy in love with Tyler that I can hardly believe I was even alive before him. When I'm with him, I'm floating on Cloud Nine in Seventh Heaven, singing Pharell's "Happy", eating a bag of smiley face cookies and drinking rainbow Kool-Aid."

This is how I feel about Tyler--a delirious, other-worldly happy. But I had to write it down to make it clear. I've been known to make the clever cute quip off the cuff, but the deep stuff is much harder for me to articulate. But, aha! I have this blog, the perfect platform. If I would just write it down. Even though I am most comfortable showing my love through Acts of Service (back massages, making sure there's coffee in the morning, etc.), I need to acknowledge and heed Tyler's love language. That's my mission. And what better mission is there to make the man I love feel truly loved?