Dear Tyler #6

Dear Tyler,

I have a plan now. That's better than all the other times before. I remember knowing I needed time alone and making a point about that. Three days, a week. And what was I going to do in that time? Relax. Have a whole day where there was no possibility of saying something wrong, and therefore I wouldn't be causing more damage. My time away wasn't necessarily about healing the wound, but making sure I didn't do anything to make it worse. It was about repairing my psyche from recent events so I could continue on. And after a day or so of being away from you, I crumbled. I needed to see how you were. And I wanted you to see me and know that I didn't skip town or whatever. You were gracious enough to give me that time, but I always chickened out.

So that wasn't the answer. I mean, the most intense (and probably effective) thing I could do would be to live in the woods for a month without any TV or books or internet, I would be forced to answer to my own thoughts. It would be unrelenting. But, I have a life and responsibilities, so that plan is laughable. Plus, me without showering? Nope.

The plan, as I explained yesterday, and have been thinking about ever since, will be to set some time aside everyday to be alone with my thoughts. I'm thinking an hour to start. No forms of entertainment or distraction. I will need silence and darkness. I will probably start in the tub. I'm going to have to do this when you're asleep or at work, because all my attention goes to you when you are present. Even if you're just upstairs, I don't want to waste an available moment. I want to be with you.

As we discussed yesterday, talk is cheap. I either do it or I don't. It's either effective or it's not. Thank you for giving me the time to see.

Love,
Jordyn