Dear Tyler #10

Dear Tyler,

I just got out of the tub. I'm feeling good. I am feeling happy, which is why it's so important I continue doing this. It's like dieting. Just because you've lost ten pounds doesn't mean you should eat a gallon of ice cream. It's about maintenance. It's about forming good habits at this point.

Here's the most important conclusion I've come to during these sessions (damn, that sounds so pretentious): I love myself. I am awesome. I am clever. I am unique. I ain't perfect, but brother, who is? Of course I have things I want to work on, but instead of crumbling at the thought of my inadequacies, I can stand up to them, look them in the eye. I can try to change them. But even better, I can celebrate all the things about myself I think are awesome, which maybe nobody else does. And so what if they don't?

Right. Learning to love myself a long time ago would have been great. But I didn't. I kept waiting to feel love from others. That love--romantic love--seemed more important than self-love. I thought, "I can love myself any old time. That's easy. Getting someone else to love me truly reveals my goodness and worth."

Wrong thoughts. Wrong thoughts all. It wasn't easy to love myself. How could I love myself when so-and-so didn't? Obviously there was something wrong with me, something that was lacking, something that plainly screamed I did not deserve love or even a measly date. (This is not what I think now.)

But that was then and this is now. Now I do have someone who loves me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and yet....up until a few days ago, I still didn't love myself. Not that I hated myself, mind you. But why should I love me when I have you to do it for me?

Let's use food as an analogy. I barely know how to cook. I do it begrudgingly, rarely. I survive on microwavables. Then you came along and cook real healthy meals for me. This is awesome! Someone who wants to feed me! Someone who wants to nurture me! But then, you aren't always around to feed me. Sometimes you have work. Sometimes you don't feel like cooking. But I've become accustomed to the good food you make and I can't just go back to microwave popcorn and canned soup! So I have two choices: I can starve or I can learn to feed myself food of quality.

Look, I manage to feed myself even when you're not around to cook for me. I make sure my belly is taken care of even if I would prefer you to make me three meals a day. I need to do that for my heart too. I especially need to do that when you might be upset with me. I'm sure you can recall all the times I didn't think I was "worth it". Well, I am worth it, goddamn it. I am one groovy chick. I am glad you saw it, even if it was far too long before I did.

This isn't my way of saying that I don't love you or care about your thoughts, feelings, or opinions anymore. It goes back to the concept of interdependence. I shouldn't rely on you, solely, to make me feel good about myself, to make me happy, or to feel love. You certainly don't rely on me to do it for you. You know you're a good man. You don't need me to tell you to believe it for yourself. But it's nice to hear me say "You're a good man.", isn't it? I should be sharing those thoughts with you. I should be wanting to make you feel special, not because you need it, but because you deserve it.

Tyler, you have done wonderfully with me, but you can only do so much. It's my turn. I am filling in the parts of me that are empty now. I apologize for my resistance, my lack of motivation, my spotty track record and all the times I failed before. I keep thinking: if a person is whole and beautiful on their own, how amazing is he or she when put with another whole and beautiful person? I no longer want you to "complete me". I want to be complete and with you.

I want to be like peanut butter and chocolate: awesome on their own, but a fucking phenomenon together.

Love,
Jordyn