Dear Tyler #9

Dear Tyler,

The text I sent you last night was first of all true and secondly meant to show you the progress I've made. It might not seem like much, but I'm sure you remember all the other times this issue has come up and all the times it has not been brought up by me afterwards. I would apologize but once things got rosy again, I wouldn't touch the topic with a ten foot pole. Mostly because I did not want to infect our good times with memories of bad times.

Things are going well right now and it was tough for me to bring that up, only because I didn't want to rock the boat. I'm glad I did bring it up though. I wanted to share that thought with you. It's a thought I will continue to share with you.

Here's a small look into what I've been pondering in the tub: My life has been a constant swinging pendulum of high anxiety or low depression, mostly depression. (Understand from this point forward that I am not blaming anyone but myself for my extreme emotions and the events that spurred them.) And then once I met you, extreme happiness came into that mix. That was not something I was used to. However, we had our low points. Up and down. Back and forth. (Literally. There were nights I drove to and from our places three or four times.) The point is, it has been a series of extremes and to deal with these extremes, I went into self-preservation mode which was "don't think about it". Stay sane anyway you know how.

But at this moment, I am taking a hold of the pendulum so it can't move. I am holding on to it so I can fucking think. True, there have been plenty of opportunities to do this since becoming aware of and accepting my emotional damage, but I didn't want to. I wanted to be utterly happy. I wanted to live in the moment of "Tyler and I are chilling on the couch" and "Tyler and I are eating a dinner he made for me". That isn't to say I wasn't happy when I started this or that I'm not happy now (in fact, the longer I do this the happier and calmer and more stable I become) but I am not happy in a distracted way.

I've only been doing this for a few days. I am not fixed. This is not a quick fix thing. I appreciate your patience and I appreciate you taking it easy on me. Thank you.

Love,
Jordyn