Dear Tyler #27

Dear Tyler,

Hello again, via this blog. In this post, I'm going to share a few things I've been mulling over lately, about me, about us, etc. For whatever reason, I don't really like actually talking about deeper things, but as long as I communicate with you through some medium, it counts. So hello there. :-) I think about stuff often enough--usually at work because I am so unstimulated there--but once I am home and with you, it just doesn't seem "relevant" anymore. I don't want to self-reflect at home; I want to be with you and relax.

So, here's something I want to get out of the way: it sucks that you were the one who gave me the wake up call I needed. Not only did you have to do all that unpleasant holding up of mirrors, you saw and heard some ugly shit. I apologize from the bottom of my heart. If I could have any wish, it would be to go back to March 20, 2015 and meet you as I am now. Or, you know, relive my entire life just so I didn't waste so much of it. I wish you didn't know what I used to be.

But we don't live in a world where such a thing is possible. So here we are on January 19, 2017 and things continue to improve within me. I am stronger than I've ever been. Most of that comes from self-confidence. You may not give a shit if Grover Cleveland married a 21 year old when he was President. But I find that interesting. I like knowing things even if they don't matter. Good for me. I am awesome. You know that 1 fruit and 1 milk equals a muffin. Good for you. You are awesome. We are who we are and we rock, separately and together.

Yesterday: I forgot about the decluttering book. In fact, I forgot there was a time when I went through all my things and tossed 85% of them. Did I really have that much stuff? Yes. And I don't miss it. It's sort of ridiculous what a stink I made and now I couldn't name half of what I got rid of. How can I not remember my own life? Because it doesn't feel like that was my life. I know it was, but it doesn't feel like it. There's a distinct difference. I am so much happier now. And not just happy, also calm. Life doesn't have to be dramatic to be worth living.

I want you to know I am working on myself. I like that I am doing it myself and not because you are urging me to. I am taking steps forward. Thank you for walking beside me.