UPDATE PART II

I’ll be honest with you. I keep fucking up left and right. Last night’s update wasn’t the whole story, and if you read it, it will seem like Tyler “took Star Wars away from me.” And I totally see that. I regret that it comes off that way. I am sick with myself.

So here’s more of that story that I didn’t want to get into: I made a romantic comedy trilogy of short films that adopted lines and scenes from the Star Wars trilogy. Delusion #2 inspired these movies. Delusion #2 was in these movies. He played the character my character pursued and eventually ended up with. In the early, early days of mine and Tyler’s relationship, I wanted him to see these movies because I was proud of them. I was trying to separate the thing from the person who inspired it. In my twisted mind, sharing this filmed fantasy with Tyler was a way for me to prove to myself that I didn’t care about anyone but Tyler anymore. Why would I? I would have my boyfriend sitting right next to me. Reality is always better than fantasy.

Tyler and I never watched these movies together. The shit hit the fan before there was a chance. Shit I created. He found out about my lingering issues. How could I ever subject him to a movie that shows me mooning over someone else? Not a movie where I’m just pretending to moon, actual mooning. So I wouldn’t show them. I threw out my personal copies. It was a dead issue. Except it wasn’t because they were on the internet. Tyler watched them and of course he didn’t like what he saw.

I remember this day. Instead of trying to comfort him and apologize for their existence, I blamed him for watching them in the first place. This just cemented that it could never be my fault. I could never be wrong.

Allow me a short diversion. I’ve been listening to Taylor Swift since she was a country singer. A common theme in her songs is relationships. Failed relationships. By her third album, Taylor Swift was a Grammy winner who had dated a slew of celebrities. Each of those celebrity relationships were short lived. So she wrote songs about them and we all knew who she was talking about. And in 70 some songs, there are about three, maybe four where she takes responsibility for her part in the relationship. Maybe you’ve seen the meme that has a picture of Swift along with the line I should write a song called “Maybe I’m the Problem”. She was always the victim. He didn’t like her. He cheated on her. He emotionally checked out of the relationship and left her hanging. He can’t make up his mind on whether or not he wants to stay with her.

I find this quality of hers annoying. And why? Because when people see their own bad qualities in others, it bothers them more. When they see that bad quality in another, it’s like holding up a mirror. And we don’t like what we see.

I never want to take the blame for anything. I don’t know where this comes from, but it’s definitely one of my worst qualities. This was the case in all of my relationships, ever. Real and imaginary. It was never my fault. Why doesn’t so and so like me? I’m pretty, I’m smart, I’m funny, I’m sweet. Maybe I’m not weird, maybe I’m just quirky. Guys seem to like quirky girls in movies. So what’s wrong with me? Nothing. I’m not the problem. I don’t need to improve. He just doesn’t think I’m as good as that other girl. Well, I guess I’ll just sit here until he realizes that I am. [twiddles thumbs for years in a delusional state]

It’s important for me to set the record straight. Tyler and I watched the first Star Wars movie early in our relationship. I had a wonderful time. I think he did too. We both like Star Wars, but so what? A movie, or five movies, or one hundred movies cannot be the foundation that a relationship is built on. Sure, it’s great when you have those things in common with your partner, but the stuff is just stuff. You know what’s more important? Having the same core values. My priorities have been all fucked up for so long it disgusts me.

Tyler doesn’t have a problem with Star Wars. He has a problem with me hanging on to damaging symbols from my past. I have to note that we went to Episode VII last December. I felt (wrongly felt) that this was because it was an “untainted” Star Wars film, so it was okay. Another unfortunate quality of mine is “all or nothing”. I thought (wrongly thought) that if I had to take the posters down, that meant that everything Star Wars had to be obliterated, too, including ever watching the movies again.

Fucking ridiculous. For the record, Tyler never said I wasn’t allowed to watch Star Wars. I made that up all on my own. I assumed. And, as the saying goes, I made an ass out of myself. I mean, can you imagine if that were true? Why would I ever want to be with someone who imposed any such rule on me? I’ve seen enough Dr. Phil to recognize a controlling relationship. I knew/know in my heart that Tyler wasn’t/isn’t controlling me or else I wouldn’t still be with him. I twisted it around so I was the victim. It had to be his fault, because it couldn’t be mine.

I also made a rule for myself that in 2016 I wouldn’t watch any movies I had already seen before. (I also like to make stupid rules for myself to, I don’t know, prove something.) That way there would be no possible conflict. Watching Star Wars wasn’t even on the table. Instead of dealing with the issue straight on, I ignored it. I was tiptoeing around it, putting my head in the sand, praying that it would all go away. Or as Homer says...

 

So here’s the deal. I can hide under the coats and fail the test. Or I can cut the shit and stop trying to save face all the time. I’ll start here. Clearing the air on my relationship with Star Wars:

I used to not give a shit about Star Wars. I didn’t like space movies. Space wasn’t romantic. My best friend from childhood liked Star Wars, but I ignored her when she wanted to watch it. She did watch Attack of the Clones once while I was doing my homework or something. (Obviously Episode II isn’t the one that’s going to grab you anyway, but this shows I had absolutely no interest.) Anyway, Ashley moved to England with her family for a semester in eighth grade and I missed her so I rented the trilogy. I enjoyed the movies, but I didn’t think they were all that. There wasn’t enough romance for me. At this point in my life, a movie had to have a strong romantic plot to hold my attention.

After meeting Delusion #2 and learning he liked Star Wars, I decided to give them another shot. I liked them more. I could say that I had grown up, that my tastes had changed, which is true. I was in the midst of my Oscar phase then and was at least trying to like more prestigious films, with or without strong romantic plot. And Star Wars is just good. No one can deny that. It was a combination of things, but—here’s the important part where I am not putting my head in the sand anymore—Delusion #2 was at the top of the list. I wanted to impress him. I wanted to have common ground. He was into film, but he was more into video games. Film was second banana. I was never going to be able to connect with him over gaming because I didn’t really like video games. I wasn’t good at them either. So going out and buying an XBox was too fake. At least watching a movie and learning to love it was more realistic. But still not right.

I liken it this: Let’s say Delusion #2’s favorite food is spaghetti and meatballs and I’m a vegetarian. I can’t, in good conscience, eat meatballs. But spaghetti! That’s pasta! I love pasta! I’ve had spaghetti before. It was good. I’m really more of a penne girl, but I’ll give spaghetti another shot. You know what? This spaghetti is really fucking good. Maybe liking just the pasta will be enough!

Say it with me. DELUSIONAL.

No wonder it didn’t work out. And I’m glad it didn’t for a lot of reasons. The main one being that I wouldn’t have met Tyler. I also would have constantly been trying to impress Delusion #2. I would have been acting. I wouldn’t be me. I would be what I thought he wanted me to be and that’s no way to live life. For example, he hated the prequel trilogy. I liked them. This was not an opinion I ever shared with him because I knew it would change his opinion of me. So if I ended up with him, what would I have done? Never watch The Phantom Menace again because it might annoy him? Jesus fucking Christ. How pitiful was I?

 

Very, very recently I have learned that I didn't ever really love Star Wars for itself. I loved it because someone else did. And then I carried the relics around with because I didn't want to believe I was the type of girl who liked something just because a boy did. I continued the façade. But the truth is someone else is the reason I got into Star Wars, but he is not the reason I continue to like it. Or at least I think I still like it. I haven't obviously watched it with this new mindset. I believe I will like it though, for what it is: a cool movie with a classic story, awesome characters, and glorious effects, costumes, set design, and music. That’s what it is and all it should be. It shouldn’t be a reason for one person to like another. It shouldn’t be a tool for loss or gain. It should be entertainment.

So let’s say I sit down to watch Star Wars right now. The opening fanfare blares, the crawl begins over the starfield. I will think of someone from my past. But it will not be positive thoughts about him. It will not be if only I had quoted the hologram speech to him, we’d be together now. Instead, I will think about the pain I caused myself. How unworthy he was of my affections and how I deluded myself into thinking he was what I wanted. I will think that faking an interest in something to impress a guy was not cool. It was pathetic, shameful, and deceptive. I will acknowledge all of that. I can deal with it. I can move on. I will be grateful that part of my life is over and that I am in a better place, physically, mentally, emotionally, romantically. And then I will start to enjoy the movie.

Time and time again, Tyler has had to hold up the mirror. Because of him I have seen all my inadequacies and sometimes I have taken action and sometimes I have just run away. In our relationship, I am the Homer and Tyler is the Marge. I am the one who constantly messes up and continually needs to be forgiven. And it’s exhausting being the fuck-up. Especially when a lot of the time I don’t want to believe it’s my fault.

But it is. It’s usually always my fault. Like writing a post that should have been about my failures but instead blamed Tyler for making me face my issues is my fault. It takes me too long to realize that I am wrong. No one likes being wrong after all, and sometimes I've gotta be right, right? Not when it comes to this stuff, the past stuff. I just need to throw up the white flag. I have to see it for what it is. I have to slow down and realize I have not always been the victim, I have been the villain. I caused all this drama and I have to clean it up. But I start to think about how, and the wind goes out of me. I don't know how.

 

But I do. Be myself. Be honest. Be true. Yes, I've made mistakes. I should own them. Stop running away, stop trying to hide. Face them. As Yoda says, you must unlearn what you have learned, which means only I have the power to undo the damage I have caused myself. I'm on my way.