I went on a long ass walk this morning because I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't stay cooped up in the house. Luckily it wasn't cold.
I know I've told you this story before, but it bears repeating. When H----- and I worked together, she once came back from her lunch break all huffy because she and D----- got into a spat. I don't remember what it was about, something insignificant, but she was mad. And I remember thinking "Why bother being mad? You live together. You're married. You're going to wake up tomorrow married and the next day and the next. Why don't you save yourself a lot of angst and get over it sooner rather than later?"
Granted, this was before I was ever in a real relationship or had ever been in a fight. So I knew nothing. But now that I know a thing or two, I find that I have the same opinion. When we were still just dating, with our own apartments, our fights were more "serious" in that there was nothing holding us together other than our mutual love. It could have ended as easily as it began. Now it's harder to break apart which I am grateful for. I love you and I want to be with you forever and since I'm an asshat sometimes, I need all the help I can get. It hurts me to think that you might feel trapped though...and I can't get into that right now.
I want to make you happy and as you said last night, that requires consistency. I feel like I am consistent...for the most part. 90% of the time? (Let me remind you, I am not a machine. It is not fair for you to expect to operate with the consistency of a toaster.) It's not like I'm irrationally mad at you one moment and then crying the next. I love you solidly, consistently and I apologize if my actions don't always reflect that. I am human.
So let's talk about this blog for moment. I am aware when I'm not posting here, but when everything seems to be going fine, I think to myself "I don't need to post. I just need to be present and loving." Me in the flesh is better than anything I could write.
But maybe not to you. I don't know. I don't know how much you care about me posting on this blog. Because I will go for weeks without posting and you seem happy with me. And how am I to know you're not if you don't say anything? I will always assume that you are happy with me. And I will always assume you want me more than my blog posts.
If I could do one thing--just one--to show you how much I love you, what method would you choose? Would it be this blog? Or would it be me telling you in person that I loved you? Would it be me kissing and holding you? I don't want this blog to be what our relationship's success relies on. Why can't the success of our relationship rely on just you and I and how we treat each other?
The problem with this blog is that its very creation was meant to obliterate the other. True, I have not posted with the frequency on this one that I did with that one. BECAUSE I AM LIVING MY LIFE WITH YOU. I don't need the escape anymore. I don't need the distraction. I don't have the time on my hands that I used to. THANKFULLY. That blog was poisonous. It would be amazing if I could delete it (Yes, I have tried recently.) But since I can't, the next best thing is for you to stop giving it power. You are using it as a yardstick. You need to stop comparing how I behave in this relationship (this committed, loving relationship) to what I did in my imaginary non-relationships. You are comparing an 8-track tape to a MP3.
You have often brought up "what I did" or "what I would have done" for others in fights. And what I did or may have done for others was never good for ME. I didn't have the self-esteem or foresight to do what was best for me. (My fault). I tried to be all sorts of things to attract others. What others got was not me. Why would you want that? No one has gotten a better version of me than you, no matter what you think, because you have the Real Me. Don't you want the Real Me, even if I am flawed?
It's like if a guy saw pictures of his girlfriend back when she was anorexic and asked her if she could get down to that weight again. So what if she's killing herself? She looks hot for him! But what if she doesn't like that look anymore? What if she wants to be curvy? Then she should be curvy, Goddamnit.
I am not perfect. I might always be a little bit selfish and lazy. I will try to rid myself of selfishness everyday. But nothing like this happens over night. Maybe I will stop being selfish when you stop smoking--they're both bad for us, they both hurt the ones around us but we've both been doing it for so long...and it feels good even when it shouldn't. And it's easier said that done to quit, isn't it?
To have a successful relationship, we should be equals. We are not. That's because I have done so many things before and since I've known you that you--I don't know how else to put this--hold against me. (Or at least, you bring them up in fights. I don't know if you do this because you want more artillery or if it's constantly bothering you and it explodes.) Like I've said before, every negative thing I've done in our relationship is subject to discussion. I have done wrong and I am sorry. But the things I did before I met you need to be pardoned. I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling indebted to you. I can only do so much. I can't help what happened. I can only be sorry it did and sorry you know about it. I will forever be sorry. That won't change. That is all I can do. This may sound harsh, but it's up to you now.
Tyler, I love you. You wake up everyday with me loving you. I don't ask you to do anything for me. I thank you for all you do, but I don't ask for it. All I ask for is your kindness. You may think it's because you do everything I need without me asking and the truth is, by you just being you, you are enough. And that's not to say that I like everything you do, because I don't. But I don't ask you to change. I just deal with it, because does it really matter if you leave a wet towel on the bed? No. I would rather you do that everyday for the rest of our lives than fight.
The only time I have a problem with you is when we fight and that's because it brings out your worst characteristics. That and forgiveness seems like the last thing you want to do. I would love to have the same. I would love to wake up and be loved for just being me. And I know the love is there. But the happiness, I guess? I don't want your mood towards me to be dependent on whether or not I have posted on this blog within an acceptable time frame. I want this to be a nice treat now and then, not the barometer for our relationship. I don't want to have a check list for things I must do to show my love; I just want to do it organically. Like you do for me.
I want to do things differently. I want to be curvy. Embrace my curves.
Love,
Jordyn
No comments:
Post a Comment